Dark Lordess

This has a good storyline. Your sentence structure, however, needs some variation. They are all short sentences. It sounds choppy when you read it. Try combining some sentences. It sounds ...

Shortest chapter? :P It's very good. Strick glared at her, "Nothing!" he said in a sof but icy voice. soft I thought you did fine with dialogue tags. You did ...

I really liked the prologue at the beginning. I especially liked this line. The sun hid her face that morning in shame; some even ventured to say she never rose. ...

Great story so far. :D “Still haven’t cured of you of your beastly accent have we.” you of your I really like the conversation with the gargoyle. :P Other than ...

This story has potential. :D I agree with Mad. You need to tell whats going on with all the people. I think you should describe the characters a bit more ...

I really like your storyline! It has a lot of good detailed descriptions too. :D I like your narrator/storyteller interruptions every so often. It makes your story unique. Actually, the ...

This is a very good start to your story! I especially like your paragraphs about his world and the battle. :D Stuff happened -My sword went through a neck... However, ...

This was wonderfully written. There's a lot of suspense and it really got me hooked. :P She whirled around. Green eyes scanned her surroundings, trying to penetrate the pitch black ...

You have a few typos that get a little annoying as you read it. Spell check would catch a lot of these. :wink: Remember to read it through before submitting. ...

Your story shows potential. :D However, in chapter one, your descriptions of the characters seemed a bit boring. You told us a lot about them, but it seemed more like ...

I'm glad you've added more. I was curious as to what happened next. :P The curtains had been drawn back slightly and she could make out the shape of her ...

Great story! I love your descriptions. A cold laugh that chilling everyone to their souls echoed across the valley, the soldiers and guards all drew their weapons, shivering uncontrollably... I ...